Nurollah X: The Logic Behind 72 Virgins!

Post your jokes, humor articles, Satire, funny short stories, comedy plays, satirical poems, comedy video & audio clips & other humor pieces here.

Moderator: Club Operations

Nurollah X: The Logic Behind 72 Virgins!

Postby Ahreeman X » Sat Feb 04, 2006 4:45 pm

The Logic Behind 72 Virgins!
Islamic Religious Problem # 69
February 4, 2006

From:
Book of Nurollah (Religious Q & A)
Resale Hazrat-e Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X


Image
:hojat: Hazrat-e Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X


Islamic Religious Problem # 69


:donkey: Nurollah is now entering The Mosque

:donkey: Everybody stand up, Nur of Allah, Light of Allah, Nurollah in the House.

:donkey: Takbir, Salavat-e Boland Khatm Konid

:sheeple: :cow: :sheeple: :cow: Allah O Masalo Ala Mohammed va Alleh Mohammed .......

:basij: La Ellaha Ella Allah, La Ellaha Ella Allah ............

:moo: Mooooooooo Moo Moo Moo?!

:hojat: Oy Ohoy Brother Gusaleh, not so enthusiastic!

:hojat: Withhold your enthusiasm! Down, down brother Gusaleh

:hojat: First, together we do Namaz al Jama'a Prayer.
We will bend over up & down for Allah!

:namaz: :namaz2: :namaz: :namaz2: :namaz: :sheeple: :namaz: :hojat:

:hojat: OK thats enough!

:hojat: OK quiet please! allow me to go upon Manbar & behind the tribune .........

:donkey: Beginning of Sermon, Umma' absolute silence please!

:hojat: Ya Allah

:hojat: Allah is Passionate, Nurollah is also passionate but Allah is much passionate!

Dear Long eared Umma', remain calm & pay attention to words o wisdom ...........

Dear Shiite:

I just saw a French documentary called "Suicide Killers" which was basically about "Female Suicide Bombers"! The Filmmaker interviewed a great number of Arab Suicide Bombers mostly from Palestine. The mission was getting into the mind & logic of female suicide bombers!

:chadori: A young mother of 4, said:
"It is my honor to become a martyr for Islam. It is my religious duty to protect Islam & as of rewards, I will go to heaven!"

:lachak: A young girl said:
"Soon after the bombing, I will go to heaven & I will be the prettiest virgin amongst the virgins!"

After watching this show, it suddenly clicked! I have seen the light! I truly got the concept & logic behind the elements of:

Female Suicide Bombing & 72 Virgins. This is not all crap & "Bull Shiite", yet there is an Islamic logic behind it all!

The Islamic Logic behind 72 Virgins

For each male suicide bomber Shahid which blows up & goes to Islamic Heaven, there will be 72 virgins waiting for his arrival. Obviously during the last few decades, there has been a great number of Martyrs (Shohada) committing suicide bombing! It is a fact & common sense that this factor has caused an imbalance between the amount of male suicide bombers & virgins in heaven! For each male suicide bomber, Mohammed promised 72 virgins & due to the latest increase of Bombing Missions, the supply of virgins cannot satisfy the demands of Shohada!

What to do?

So Imam's released a Fatwa that it is the natural Islamic duty of women to also commit suicide bombing! Actually a great number of female suicide bombers are in demand, because according to Islamic Scholars:

"Once a female suicide bomber departs Earth & enters Heaven, then she will become a Virgin!"

"Mathematically, we require 72 female suicide bombers to die & go to heaven to become 72 virgins for each male suicide bombers!"

Present Situation of Virgins in Islamic Heaven

As long as presently there is a shortage of virgins in heaven (due to old age, a lot of sex & relocations to Hell), then by all means, Islam requires new virgins to replace each of these 72 virgins promised to good male Muslim!

What other way to increase the supply of virgins, better than volunteer drafting of feme bombers? There is a active policy of drafting 72 feme bomber for each male bomber! Islam needs virgins!

The 73rd Virgin! :confused2:

There are certain infidels who demand the 73rd virgin! These morons obviously are not realists & not knowing that we are already stretching it very thin by 72 & there is no way in hell that we can move to 73! The fool infidels are simply blind!

The only possible answer is to increase the supplies by drafting more feme bombers!

Islamic Religious Problem # 69

:hojat: People often ask me many religious questions?

:question: Question:
What if the feme suicide bomber is not a virgin? What if she blows up & goes to heaven? Will she also become a virgin in heaven?

:hojat: Answer:
The answer is yes! For instance, even though a mother of four, can blow herself up & go to heaven, yet as soon as she reaches the gates, there are "female Islamic surgeons & Gynecologists" awaiting @ the gates to direct her to the Islamic Operation Room for a patch job! They will repair the Virginity Curtain & volah, she is as good as new!

:inqeyes: Question:
But wouldn't male suicide bomber (Shahid) be aware of this fraud? Is this operation:
Halaal = Religiously recommended
Makrouh = Religiously not recommended nor forbidden
Haraam = Religiously forbidden
So which is it?

:hojat: Answer:
Technically, in the critical situation of today's world & a serious deficit of Virgins facing Islam, obviously Allah, Mohammed, Caliphates of Rashedin (Abu Bakr, Othman, Omar, Ali), Imams, clerics & of course Shohada (Martyrs) must turn the blind eye, not being picky & slide this one under the Persian Rug! Stop cotton picking! So what if the virgin or two might be a patch job?!

Allah is forgiving!

:kohezboii: Question:
But what kind O Shiite are you pulling here .........?

:hojat: Answer:
Ahay, Ohoy, oy brother bouncer, brother Hizbollah, please grab this boy & throw him outside the Mosque! He is asking too many questions! I believe this Gusaleh is an infidel!

:basij: :basij: :kohezboii: :basij: :basij: => (outside the mosque)

:hojat: Good Muslim does not ask too many questions!, stop asking too many questions! Just be satisfied with my explanations! They may sound Cockamamie, yet make no mistakes, they are much wise, thus Allah is wise!

:hezboz: Question:
Why 72 Virgins?

:hojat: Answer:
Mal'oun, Who are you to question Prophet? Prophet PBUHB (Peace Be Upon His Bone) was the Master! He had 21 wives, 2 Pretty Boys & an unlimited number of Concubines (Female Slaves captured in Jihad Wars)! Allah bless his bone! he was a great Boner of the masses! Don't you think with all that wisdom & passion, he knows best? Sit down, sit down & keep silence Guspand!

:sheeple: Question:
Why did Prophet had 21 wives but we can only have 4 wives?

:hojat: Answer:
Didn't I tell you people not to ask too many questions? Just listen to Clerics & learn. Keep silence becasuse silence is sign of knowledge! Don't ask questions & you will become wise! Never question the clerics nor question Quran! Sit down boy, sit down!

So we conclude .......

Islamic Logic

:hojat: So as you see, there is a direct mathematical correlation between the number of male & female suicide bombers depending on the political situation of the time! Prophet Mohammed PBUHB (Peace Be Upon His Bone) promised 72 virgins; therefore, due to everlasting & ever increasing demands, we also need to increase the supplies! That's why today, we push the concept of "Feme bombers" & we practically do not care if they are virgins or not! We don't even care if they had 14 children & their vagina size is equal to a small cave! As long as they get the job done, they shall become virgins in heaven!

Now you might ask why the Prophet PBUHB, has promised 72? Well, that is another chapter & today we do not have time to respond to this question! You must understand that Islamic Sciences are such complicated matters & there are only few Islamic Scholars such as myself who can supply answers to all of these questions! But please have faith, thus,

Allah is Wise & Mohammed is definitely Creative!

:hojat: Ya Allah

:donkey: Everybody stand up, Nurollah is leaving the House.

:moo: Moooooooo Moooo Moo?!

:donkey: Oy Gusaleh, stand up, show respect!

:moo: Moo!!!

:donkey: Takbir, Salavat-e Boland Khatm Konid

:sheeple: :sheeple: :cow: :sheeple: :sheeple: Allah O Masalo Ala Mohammed va Alleh Mohammed ........

:donkey: Nurollah is now exiting The Mosque


:hojat:
Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X
Watcher in the woods
User avatar
Ahreeman X
General 5 Star
General 5 Star
 
Posts: 1361
Joined: Fri Nov 12, 2004 1:54 pm
Location: San Diego, CA, USA

Return to Jokes, Comedy, Satire & Satirical Poetry Room

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests