A Few Quotes By George Carlin

[Amir]

-I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

-George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

-Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

-Balance the stupid fuckin' budget!

-Don't you find it funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse?

-Hockey is not a sport. Hockey is three activities going on at the same time: ice skating, playing with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody.

-Here's another bunch of ignorant shit: school uniforms. Bad theory. The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school it helps keep order. Don't these schools do enough damage makin' all these kids think alike? Now they're gonna get 'em to look alike, too? And it's not a new idea, I first saw it in old news reels from the 1930's but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.

-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

-Honk if your horn is broken.

-Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

-I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

-Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

-Imagine how thick Japanese people's photo albums must be.

-The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

-I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

-Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

-There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

-I never watch Sesame Street. I already know most of that stuff.

-I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.

-I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.

-If you mail a letter to the post office, who delivers it?

-In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

-Nothing is so boring as listening to someone else describe a dream.

-The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

-A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

-I credit that eight years of grammar school with nourishing me in a direction where I could trust myself and trust my instincts. They gave me the tools to reject my faith. They taught me to question and think for myself and to believe in my instincts to such an extent that I just said, "This is a wonderful fairy tale they have going here, but it's not for me."

-I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.

-I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

-The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

-"When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?" This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

-The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", "Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

-Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

-Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.

-I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

-What year did Jesus think it was?