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Asadollah Alam - Imperial Iran Courthouse Minister
In Darbar, We Eat This Kind of Mame!


In Darbar, we eat this kind of Mame!
Ahreeman X

1st Edition: May 2, 2003
2nd Edition: October 15, 2006

3rd Edition: April 3, 2014

Left: Amir Abbas Hoveyda, the Great Prime Minister of Iran
Right: Asadollah Alam the Imperial Iran’s Courthouse Minister


Let's go back in time, way back when there was a country named Iran and not IRI!

Long ago …….

Memories, oh memories.........

As long as everyone is talking about Mame (Tits, Slang for Breasts), let me tell you an old story about my childhood! I was just an itsy bitsy brat who just started to learn the facts of life. In those nostalgic days of 1970s, I was just learning about the Birds and Bees and chasing girls in the schoolyard! The girls used to wear Gray Dress Uniforms with very short skirts in our school and I was beginning to discover more and more about chunky beefy white thighs of my classmates! That was the pre era of my episodes chasing girls, but the "Gold Finger" era came a while after that! (in Junior High, I fingered the Art Teacher and Fellow Student's named me "The Gold Finger"!) Yet back in those days I just started to finger around, even though I did not fully knew the concept of fingering; yet, I was establishing the foundation of becoming the "Gold Finger" of the future! Back in those days I was so naive that I thought girls also had penis! I had a hard time picturing how the intercourse would be! I assumed the guy would push his penis on top of girl's penis and girl's penis would go inside its cavity so the guys penis would be shoved in girls penises cavity and that's how people have sex! I don't know, maybe that's how I first became curious about Transsexuals, which this curiosity continued later on in life! Dear me, so bizarre, so bizarre!

Anyhow, one night there was this reception. It was a formal reception banquet in Tehran and a number of officials from Darbar (Courthouse) and Cabinet were there. From the beginning of time there was this rivalry between Darbar and Cabinet! Even though Darbar was supposedly one ministry of the cabinet, yet the truth was that Darbar was an independent entity and so was the cabinet. In early years, My beloved GodFather, may his spirit rest in peace, His Excellency, Amir Abbas Hoveyda was the Prime Minister of Iran and head of the Cabinet. Our dear friend of the family, His Excellency Asadollah Alam was Minister of The Courthouse and head of Darbar-e Shahanshahi Iran.

Politically, the rivalry was also hot! Hoveyda was the chairman of Iran-e Novin (New Iran) Party and Alam was the chairman of Mardom (People's) Party. Hoveyda and Alam had a bizarre mutual understanding with each other! They were rivals in politics and in Cabinet, they were rivals around the Alahazrat (around cabinet and darbar, we used to call Shah, Alahazrat) and Royal Family, they were even rivals among the close friends! Each wanted to be more impressive and each wanted to put a deeper effect on the people, technocrats and intellectuals; however, even though they were rivals and battling for the votes of the public and Government members, yet it seemed like they had an amazing mutual understanding with each other! They both respected the other party very much and they had the highest regards for each other indeed. Those were the days and these guys were experienced politicians of Iran. I am telling youall, they don't build them like those days anymore! These guys were Men of Principles and Common Courtesy, Scholars and Gentlemen. Back in those days, these guys were the Giants! I still remember those golden days of youth. It is like a special part of my life, which I shall cherish till I die.

Well, as you know Hoveyda was my father's close friend, my father was a Cabinet Minister and the publisher of a major political media, well-known author and journalist. Hoveyda was much into literature, poetry, culture and Journalism. Hoveyda Himself was a journalist, author and a politician, so naturally his interest was political journalism. Hoveyda was also my GodFather and I used to call him Uncle Abbas. Sometimes like everyone else, I would call him "Aqa". Around the cabinet, he was known and spoken of, as "Aqa". Everyone knew who they were talking about, when they were saying Aqa this and Aqa that! Hoveyda was a very wise man, big sense of humor, spoken many languages, popular among the masses and extremely sophisticated. He was a perfect example of the Old Time Political Giants of Iran!

Asadollah Alam, on the other hand never had the education, sophistication, talents, popularity, intellectualism and technocracy of Hoveyda, but whatever that he was lacking in, he made it up with his amazing charm and nasty sense of humor! Who knows, maybe originally my nasty erotic sense of humor has been taken after these Mega Gods of my childhood like My Grand Mother Dr. E.M. (Head of The Family), My Dad, Dr. Fereydoun Farokhzad, and naturally Mr. Alam! Mr. Alam could tell you amazing tales for hours and capture you as a captivated audience, but by the end of the story, he would teach you a thing or two about life and also, you could never know what part was a joke and what part was serious! You wouldn't know what part was real and what part was fiction! You could never get a straight answer out of this man! After the discussion, he would learn about your whole family history since you were a child and everything else about you, yet he would never reveal anything about himself!

I'm telling you, I took this quality after him! The way that he would find out everything about the other party and not revealing a thing about himself, I often thought that maybe he would be best served as Head of SAVAK, and why was he the Head of Darbar?! Alam was quite a character, an amazing gentleman and scholar. Amir Abbas Hoveyda was maybe my uncle, my childhood role model, but I always had the highest respect for Asadollah Alam, what a guy!

So, that night at this great reception, there were a group of big time journalists, authors, TV and Radio personalities, Cabinet ministers, members of the courthouse, Secretariats of Empress Farah and Prime Minister Hoveyda, a bunch from Foreign Ministry, Military Attaches, some Ambassadors from European and American Countries, Corporate CEOs and Business Hot Shots, a few artists and actors, my Grand Mother's crew (Lawyer, Assistant, Secretary and rest of her crew), and other friends and family members.

I remember this episode because The Chinese Ambassador to Iran, Chinese General Consulate, Embassy Secretary and other Chinese Diplomats were present and they were brought by my Grand Mother, because technically My Grand Mother was their land lord. Chinese Ambassador was renting a three floor, magnificent luxurious mansion-like house from my Grand Mother, while insisting on being a Great Protector of the Proletariats and Workers of The Globe! The Hot Shot Communist Comrade Ambassador was living in a mansion in Jordan Avenue, one of the best neighborhoods of uptown Tehran! Issues like this, since those early childhood days, built and formed my mentality in a way that I started to not take anyone or anything at his words and face value! I became a skeptic who would not easily be convinced by propaganda and Slogans! I simply hesitated to believe in anyone's word, simply because of his position, power of lecture or shinny background!

It was a great banquet, another successful Glorious Night Reception in famous summer nights of North Tehran, where if you wanted to progress in life and make some connections, you just had to be present in such parties! As usual huge amounts of expensive food and drink were getting wasted, half eaten, left overed and trashed while servants were rushing in and out to fill up the trays, take out the left overs and walk around with Trays of orderves and Beverage Glasses! I remember this new Villager Dahati Boy, Poor Servant with a tux that barely fit him, borrowed from the head butler (because he was a temp), was looking at the food with unbelievable eyes bulging out of his head! He couldn't believe so much food is getting wasted, so in the middle of performing his duties, he had to taste some of that gold Caspian Sea Caviar dripping from a crystal dish, but the poor boy didn't know the concept of cracker, so he grabbed a Traditional Azeri piece of "Barbari Bread" from the basket with a various breads decorated in it, and started to dig in the caviar! He was looking around to make sure no one is looking while he was munching on the Kashk-e Badenjan (Egg Plant/Whey Orderves) and Caviar, while washing it down with French Champaign in between his service!

Suddenly butler noticed him and rushed in his direction and was about to smash his balls between his teeth and bang on his head like the Legendary Rostam would beat on Afrasiab's head with Mace in Book of Shahname, that suddenly I jumped forward to the rescue but someone beat me to it!

Aqa Jan, forgive the boy, let him go this time, he made a mistake, his sorry, aren't you boy? Mr. Alam whispered to the butler! Yes, sir, I'm sorry and it will never happen again! The Boy Replied back!

It was amazing, Alam and I were both following this ordeal with our spying eyes, way before the butler had noticed it!

Butler: Yes your Excellency, as you wish Qorban. But somebody must train this Gusaleh (Cow Calf) properly....
Alam: Boy, next time you can nibble on the food in the kitchen, not when you are serving the guests!
Servant: Sorry sir, yes sir, thank you kind sir, never again, you are so kind..............
Alam: Ok boy go serve the guests now, that's enough...
(Servant Boy was grabbing Alam's hand and kissing it like there was no tomorrow! Alam had saved his life and job by interfering in between The Butler and him!)
Servant: Your excellency thank you, I am your ear ringed slave (Qolam-e Halq-e Be Gush), my whole family are in your debt.........
(Servant was by now kneeling on the floor and kissing Alam's hand. Not letting go of it!)
Alam: That's enough, let go of the hand, its fine, behave yourself.........
Butler: Ok Bache, go away, leave his excellency alone, eat in the damn kitchen next time, get the ..........out!

This scene was so funny, one could see the whole social structure of Iran in this scene! But Alam impressed me! I was standing right there to make a move but Alam took the upper hand and saved the poor boy's life and job! If Alam would not interfere, most likely they would kick the crap out of the boy and kick him out in the street! He was not a regular, he was just a Temp, filling for a permanent servant, he did not know better, he was hungry and could not wait to get to the kitchen!

Alam: Come here boy
X: Yes sir?
A: You wanted to do what I did, ha?
X: Yes sir.
A: Bache to kalat bu Qorme Sabzi mide! [Persian Expression]
(kido, Your head smells like Qorme Sabzi Persian Dish, meaning you are looking for trouble!)
X: My Grand Ma says the same thing sir.
A: Dr. E.M. is correct!
X: I guess so sir (laughing)
A: I know you are Uncle Amir Abbases Big Boy, but you can also call me Uncle Asadollah, I'm your uncle too.
(My Big Boy, that's what Hoveyda used to call me.)
X: Yes Uncle Alam sir.
A: Pesaram (my son), don't be so jumpy, be cool, calm words work better than loud threats! Use politics boy, "cut people's throats with cotton balls, not knives!"
X: Like you do Uncle Alam?
A: Are mesl-e man, Tokhm-e Sag-e Valad-e Zena! (Yes like I do, you son of a bitch, little bastard!)
(we both laughed very loud!)
A: Aqa-ye ........... (loudly to my dad)? Aqa-ye ..............?
A: Pesar ku nadarad neshan az pedar?! [Persian Expression]
(Where is the son who does not take after his father?!)
X: Uncle Alam, your funny!
A: Are Pedar Sag (Yes, you son of a Male Dog!) (Persian Slang)
(We both laughed again!)
A: Khanom Doctor .............. (Oh Dr., loudly to My Grand Mother)? I like this kid, this Tokhm-e Sag (son of a bitch) will go places in the future..........
A: Pesaram (My son)?
X: Yes Uncle Alam?
A: Your a big boy now, let me tell you about facts of life. (sipping on his drink)
X: Yes Uncle Alam?
A: I know you love your Uncle Abbas, but Darbar (Courthouse) is Darbar and Kabine (Cabinet) is Kabine......and Kabine will never be as good as Darbar, do you know why?
X: Why Uncle Alam?
A: Because we do things different in Darbar.
X: What do you mean?! (puzzled!)
A: Everything we do in Darbar is with class, we have the best, we use the best food, best drinks, best people, best places, best of everything, you know?
X: Ahhhhhhhh ha!
A: We have the best, that's why Darbar is Darbar and then there is Cabinet..........
X: I see
A: In Darbar, we eat the best delicacy. For example, everyone eats Caviar but they eat top black caviar in cabinet; however, we eat that special Golden Caviar sent from Caspian Sea specially for Darbar.
(He used to emphasize on the word "Darbar" by continuing the second Syllable with a long "aa" like Darbaaar! In a way he wanted to make it clear that Darbar is the best of the best so he would call it Darbaaar!)
A: In Darbar, we smoke the best White Senatory Opium (The Top Quality Senate Opium), we eat Golden Caviar from Asatrin (Russian Term for Sturgeon Caviar Fish), we eat the best Khodka (Caspian Sea Duck), we drink the best Russian Vodka (Stolichnaya), we sit on the best Kashan's Silk Rug (Persian Rug), we vacation in best Villas at Motel Qu, Ramsar and Pahlavi (Caspian Sea Shores) and we use the best palaces to rest in them.
X: I see
A: We use the best and then Cabinet uses the rest, that's the difference my boy! (Uncle Alam was a bit tipsy and buzzed!)
X: Oh, I get it.
A: For example, look here boy, look at this one.... (holding me with his one hand around my shoulder, while pointing at Hayedeh, a chunky wholesome corn-fed Persian Traditional Singer with huge white Bazookas, with his other hand!)
A: In Darbar, we eat this kind of Mame! Round, firm, healthy, squeezable, jumbo white "Mame Boluri" (Shining Crystal Bright Giant Jugs)!
(Hayedeh, courtesy smiled back and bowed down to Minister of Darbar!)
A: In Cabinet, they eat this kind of Mame..........(pointing at Mahasti, Hayedeh's little skinny sister, a pop singer with little average Golden Bagels, who was standing around)!
(Mahasti, across the hall, bowed her head and body to the Minister of Darbar and showed respect!)
A: In Darbar, we eat this kind of Mame, but in Cabinet, they eat that kind of Mame! (Alam Continued...)
A: Look at them little Mame! You leave them in front of the dogs, they wouldn't even touch it! Mame must be healthy and Wholesome like BasketBall, something you can grab and bounce around and play with! Who wants that little Mame? Nothing to grab boy! Dogs don't even eat those Mame! Now you see boy? This is why Darbar is Darbar and Cabinet is Cabinet! Clear up your position boy, are you Darbari or Kabinei? Do you see boy?
X: Yes Uncle Alam, I see, it's because in Darbar, you gentlemen eat Big Mame!
A: Ay Tokhm-e Sag, I think you got it right boy! Khanom Doctor (Lady Dr., referring to my Grand Ma) ...............? Khanom Doctor ..............where are you? This boy will have a bright future!
(and we both laughed out-loud.........)

That night I have learned a few lessons from the reception, lessons about life, social classes, sociology, human behavior, but most of all, I have learned that,

In Darbar, they eat this kind of Mame!

Later on we went home and my Grand Mother, over heard me talking to our maid's daughter,

X: You got Darbari Mame, I enjoy Mame Darbari! Mame should be Mame Darbari........
Maid's Daughter: Giggle Giggle........
Grand Mother: Tokhm-e Jen (Jinn's Seed), you can eat Kuft (Poison) instead of Mame Darbari, where have you learned such language?
X: Uncle Alam!
Grand Mother: Ezat? (Shouting at our Butler), hey Ezat?
Ezat: Yes Madam?
GM: From now on, you will not let this kid, talk to or go near Mr. Alam, do you hear me?
Ezat: Yes Madam, but how come?
GM: Alam is a bad influence on this kid, I heard him talking about Darbari Mame to girls, I think Alam gave him some drink too! Alam is corrupting this child, don't let this kid to hang around Alam in the receptions. No more Uncle Alam for you kid, do you hear me?
X: Yes Maman Jun (I called my Grand Mother, "Dear Mom"), I'm sorry for my behavior.
(I called my mother "Maman" [Mom] and my Grand Mother "Maman Jun" [Dear Mom]!)
GM: Fine, go to bed now, we talk about it tomorrow.
X: Good night Maman Jun.
GM: Goodnight

The kids were sleeping on the Roof Top of the building (Teras), sometimes we liked to sleep on the roof, there were a number of beds with mosquito nets around them, set up on the roof for those who liked to sleep outdoor on the hot summer nights! After everyone went to bed, one could still hear me whispering to the maid's daughter about her Mame Darbari and she was giggling back at me! We lived it up in Tehran's Hot Summer Nights!

After that night, I knew why Alam could make up for his lack of intellectualism with his great public relation and sense of humor. He talked the talk and he walked the walk. He knew how to communicate with different people according to their different ways.........

That was the time and then, they were Giants............

We recommend this valuable book, Asadollah Alam’s Memoirs:


It is a long time since those golden days in Tehran, seems like a century ago! Sometimes I reminisce with my photo albums, well organized photo albums by the order of volumes which covers my whole life since birth, until today! My whole life in snap shots! Sometime I review my life! Some people write diaries and I collect photos in photo albums, this is my way of documenting my life! Sometimes I look back into those hot summer nights of Tehran and sometimes I forget about all the bad memories, I forget about the social problems, I forget about Reaction of 1979 and I forget about painful memories. I try to remember the good memories, the days and the moments that made life worth of living. I cherish those moments, little moments which means a lot to me. Moments like that hot summer night in that reception in Tehran.

Those days are gone, Hoveyda, Alam, Grand Ma, the Iran I used to know and everything else precious to me are gone, my innocent childhood and youth are gone, all I have left are those precious moments.............Sometimes, I look at volumes of my photo albums, I sit alone in my room and I reminisce with myself, tears run down my cheeks, I cry and laugh and then I smile, because.............

Life is made up of precious Moments. Those Moments, make life worth of living and remembering. I Cherish Those Moments, I cherish those precious sweet Moments...........

I put this moment over here ……
I put this moment over here ……

Dr. X

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